you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
