he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
