he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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