i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
