I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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