please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
