Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
