Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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