I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
