I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
