If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I checked into jail on foursquare
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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