remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
