Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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