if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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