WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize