I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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