this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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