bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
