It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
