I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
