I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize