you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
