And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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