i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
