Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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