I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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