Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
