Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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