Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
