you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
