I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
