the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
