Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just google imaged poop.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
