I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
