Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
