when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
