i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
