Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
birth control should be required to get into college
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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