My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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