your parents love me but you hate me
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
