apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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