I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
