I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
