1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize