he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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