life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
