I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
