I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
