Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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