I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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