Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
