I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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