I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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