You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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