so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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