In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
