matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
