Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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