I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
