I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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